smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
