you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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