My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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