you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
