when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
handjob tips. give me some.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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