And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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