if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize