she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
