Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
