is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
