I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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