I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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