come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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