6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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