turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
this boner is exhausting
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
