OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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