Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
