"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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