I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
