then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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