In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
