I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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