Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
