Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
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I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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