If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
