so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
