How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
