apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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