i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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