Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
