cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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