hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
