what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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