I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
