this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
