dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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