I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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