This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
