he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
