Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
