I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
