first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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