Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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