Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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