I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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