So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
