apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
