Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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