Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
