meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
