its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
