So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
