you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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