does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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