Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
