I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
