Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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